As a mom and a mompreneur, good quality friendships are the hardest things in the world to find.  I find I am consistently analyzing and judging (yes, kindly judging) where our time is spent and with whom.  I am a mom and am relatively new to town.  Making friends per say isn't the necessarily the hard part, I find making friends with people whose value systems are similar to mine to be the biggest challenge. Balancing work and family isn't an issue for women without kids, they don't understand the struggle.

A good, quality friendship in my 20s meant who could meet me for drinks after work or who was game for book club.  We would read yet barely discuss the books and found getting together as an excuse to have a fun girls' night out.  It was and still is a fun way to relax with some wine while the host gets to share their latest appetizer recipes!

Then when I had babies, I was lonely.  L.O.N.E.L.Y.   Lonely and unsure of myself, who I was anymore and then how in the world I was going to raise this baby!  Heck, I could barely, if ever get dressed myself, how in the world was I going to do good for this child??  Anyone who wanted to meet with me at the park or Nordstrom's was a gift sent from above and it gave me reprieve from my internal insecurities, woos, thoughts and wonders!

Yes!  I will meet you at the park!  Yes!  I will meet you anywhere. you. want!

Motherhood is this club you join the second you have babies.  When you talk with other moms  your first questions are - how many? how old? and how far apart?  This gives that starting place of understanding what the mom next to you went through when they had babies.  And you can ask away or just share stories of survival. Balancing work and family is hard, and those without babies just don't get it. 

And of course there are the birthing stories that ALWAYS come out.  It's something we moms must share.  It's how we connect. 

But now my kids are getting older.  Now, their kids are older.  Now at ages 3, 4 and 5 words matter.  Actions matter.

When a kid says they don't want to play with them anymore, that hurts.  When a little girl says "you're not my best friend anymore" at the age of 4, that hurts.  Maybe here and there it's okay because I don't know the circumstances around it. Yes, kids will be kids.  But when it happens everyday for weeks, whatever the circumstances are, my daughter is getting hurt.  When a boy says to the lunch table "let's not talk to her, she wears glasses", that hurts.  When a little girl says to another, at the age of 5, "I feel sorry for you" those are adult words she is bringing in.  Again, not that funny.

I don't know all the back stories or all the circumstances and yes, "kids will be kids" but when something happens everyday that doesn't align with your values or you don't see the mom stopping behavior you don't agree with.  What do you do?

It sits and naws in your stomach.  It naws in my stomach.  I wonder and worry about the things my kids are exposed to.  They are not allowed to watch Barbie and not allowed to watch even My Little Pony.  At this age, I am doing my best to protect them from the grown-up things they will certainly have to experience.  Can't I hold onto their innocence for as long as possible?  Heck, even with my grasp, they are exposed.  

The question is: what do you do?  How do you re-enforce value judgements you want to raise your kids with?

1. Listen to the Red Flags

I am quick to accept good intentions from the acts of my friends.  I am quick to believe they mean well and if something doesn't translate, then that's okay too.  I am not perfect, nor do I expect my friends to be either.  Perhaps the other mom doesn't know how to discipline.  Perhaps the other mom doesn't know how demeaning her actions are.  Perhaps that mom doesn't realize her little one is taking cues from her actions.  Perhaps the mom doesn't realize this is the starting place in building character.  

Red flag are just that.  We are quick to make excuses.  That's okay too.  When there are consistent little red flags, if the red flag is always there.  Listen to it. Sometimes, for me, there were BLARRING red flags and I was just loyal because that friend helped my loneliness in tough times.  

Yet once the red flags started impacting my sweet girl (and on a regular basis) I know I need to take action.  I couldn't ignore the differences in value systems.  I like to pretend differences didn't matter but when it came to raising my girls, nothing became more important.  And the red flags were there all along.  

I wish I listened sooner. 

2.  Use kind words but meaningful ones too. 

Keep with your own value system and use kind but meaningful words.  I have done my best and in my heart try to have the most meaningful conversation with the other parent.  Hurtful words from the little one can become consistent if not taken care of.  I looked to my friend, another mother, to take action and stop it.  Among other things I would say and have said is that the mother had to stop the hurtful behavior and even "nip it in the bud."  Was it that she watched Barbie at 4?  Was it that they had older girlfriends who were teaching older behavior?  I guess the reasonings don't matter.  The hurt has to stop.

Truth be told, conversations with kids are much easier than conversations with adults.  Kids take your word for it.  Adults have their own history, judgments and insecurities to manifest through.  You never really know if your intentions will be understood from the other side.  I have genuinely done my best to have easy, yet important conversations.  I had the conversation with mothers and conversations with my daughters.  

Words hurt.  

It's important to be nice.  

Just because your friend is saying these things doesn't mean it's okay to say.  

Her mother is going to talk with her.  

You have learned.  She hasn't, she's still learning. 

Over and over, I have had to have these conversations with my girls.  My words have always been kind but with meaning behind them too. 

3. Create Space 

When you have space from the situation you are better to reflect and make different decisions.  Sometimes, the mother is mortified at her child's behavior and takes immediate action.  Then in other cases, the mother has been defensive. Honestly, I can imagine if a mom had such a conversation with me, I would be mortified.  Mortified that my child was treating another kid poorly.  My kids are not perfect and I am sure this will happen.  I imagine that my child will be punished and I will hunt to no end to find a way to make it right.  And I can imagine that I would be defensive too.  

It's what you do going forward that matters most.  Create space.  

With space you have room to reflect on my choices.  With space you have a better opportunity to listen to what your soul and gut are telling you.  Does your little one need to spend time with others?  Or will the hurtful behavior not become a pattern.  Will a quick conversation be all that's required or even further conversations.  

You can't control how others are going to react to your requests but you can control how you react. 

I listen to the red flags now, all 800 of them, and am happy with the choices I make.  With space I am able to make clearer choices.  With space you have room to listen, to decide and take action. 

Perhaps, in your case, when you have space you will find you are overreacting.  You will find your values are a good match and the kids or the mother is simply having a bad day.  We all do.  Space, I believe, it a good way to step aside and observe what is really happening. 

4. Re-connect 

Re-connect with your kids.  With your family.  With your tried and true, trusted friendships.  With yourself.  

You did it.  You took action and now that should be celebrated.   Whatever your outcome, it was intentional and conscious.  Time will only tell how things will settle but at least you are putting your best foot forward, contentiously for yourself and your family.

Our kids are the most important things to us.  Even if we are distracted and working hard.  Even if we feel our time should be spent differently, I firmly believe that by kindly connecting your family to those whose values matches yours is of utmost importance.

Hard decisions become easy decisions when you know they are the right ones.

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Mom life can get crazy and hectic, really fast. During the summer, the kids are home and you still have work to do! You need to keep them kiddos occupied and have a little fun, so what now?? In order to have a fun-filled summer, you need to get organized and remember not. to. panic!

Summer is here and are you afraid?  I am. I need to be productive.  I need to get stuff done!  

And yet my kids are out of school.  

Yes, they will be in camps here and there but they will be out of school. 

And yes, they understand that "Mommy works too." Actually they are quite good at being quiet when an important phone call comes in or I have to take a meeting.  It does take a moment of conversation to calm them down and get focused on coloring pages and stickers beforehand but that's okay.  And really at these times they only whisper for me to print out a Belle Coloring Page instead of demanding it over and over again.  Please tell me you get those distractions too!

But that's mom life.  I can't keep their little bodies still and I can't keep their little bodies quiet. Nor do I want to - frankly. 

So in order to have a fun-filled summer, I need to get organized and remember not. to. panic!

Here's the plan: 

Big Picture Planning.  

I am the type of person that needs to plan things out.  I am always jealous of the people that on-a-whim will take a drive up the coast or something like that.  Or go bowling on a Saturday.  I am always baffled and live in amazement at how they can do that.  Ummm, but don't you have to go to the store? Or have take your kids to soccer practice?  If I don't write down what and when we will do an activity, I promise you this, it won't get done.  

So I have made a Big Picture Plan for the summer.  This is what I want to do with my family.  This is what I want to do with my work.  And this is how healthy I want to live.  (Ugh - add in more workouts!) 

Calendar Blocking. 

Do you do it?  I just started, like, really started and find it is beyond eye-opening! 

I started by putting all the activities I need to accomplish for one week into my Google Calendar on Sunday as a placeholder.  Then I ensured all the girls' activities are in place and any prior scheduled meetings set in stone.  Finally, I distributed the activities placed on Sunday throughout the week.  I fill up my “free” time and calendar block out the activities I must complete.  

Oh. My. Goodness.  It's eye-opening. 

It's completely fascinating!  And admittedly a work in progress.  I will use the calendar as the resource it is.  I will schedule out what work I have and what I want to do with the girls and then  

Ordering. 

I have all but given up on cooking during the week.  I dream of family dinners and am happy that we get a few during the week but life is just too busy right now.  That's where I have thrown in the towel.  I have considered ordering one of those services like Blue Apron but we have allergies in the family, I am sure my kids will be picky and they need to eat on the fly.  Please don't judge, every now and then I return to my ideal life and envision my kids eat like the French Kids Who Eat Everything. But they don't.  Not this summer.  We are not there, quite yet.  

Anyway, so I order.  And I realize I don't have to order Chinese or Pizza.  I can order a salad.  Actually, my current favorite salad is from Fresh Brothers.  My kids can eat that or get pizza.  I always have Trader Joe's meatballs on hand and fresh fruit.  So, I am happy to order dinner during the week and make dinner on the weekends!

No preparation.  No worries.   

Hard-Core Prioritizing. 

Is it me or do you slightly roll your eyes when someone talks about prioritizing? Doesn't it kind of sound like that person has too much time on their hands?  I mean sure - we all know how to prioritize to some degree.  We all wake up, maybe do a workout, get the kiddos off and to school, start our workday, etc etc etc.  And we finish out the day as we always do.   Sure there's things we can do better but in general, it's a good life right?

I am there with you. 

Actually I love to "prioritize" because it gives me another reason to officially organize something else. Truth is more often than not LIFE gets in the way and my prioritized lists are out the window.  

That's the truth behind prioritization, right?

But here's the thing.  Or here's my thing.  I have learned, in order to accomplish anything, you must hard-core prioritize.  There must be some non-negotiables.  Just like any challenge you take on, if you are truly interested in making a healthy lifestyle change, then you will commit.  In my case, if I truly want to do X, Y, or Z no matter how busy or tired I am, I have to commit and press forward.

It's that simple and that hard.   Hard-core prioritization and setting some non-negotiables. 

Being Present & Having Fun. 

Okay, put away the eye roll.  It's true right?  We need to be present to find joy and to feel grateful.  That, I too have to remember, will be the difference maker in the summer.  

It's easy to get wrapped up in the day, the work, and what you have to get done.  

Again, I am guilty of it too.  

But if I take walks and shake off the energy.  If I smile even when it's forced, change occurs.  Joy comes in.  I want my family to know the good times as well as the hard work times.   So this is my plan to be productive, stay connected, all while balancing work and family.

I'm curious, what do you do to survive a summer?  How do you stay productive when there unlimited distractions?

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A year ago today, my mother passed.  While she was not in the best of health, her passing was a shock.  I miss her, more than one could imagine.  As the year has progressed, I realize the good in her, more than I had before. I hope to emulate these characteristics too.

1. There is nothing you can’t learn, nothing you can’t do. 

I get asked all the time, where do I get my confidence from?  This was definitely a lesson from my mother.  She always told me “There is nothing you can’t learn, nothing you can’t do.” My mother was raised just outside of the MadMen/1960s era, when most women went to college, worked as secretaries, married and then settled down.  That’s not how things happened in her life and given the opportunity, I think she would have done a few things different.  She always talked about how maybe that would have been to attend law school.  She always wanted me to feel I could do anything.  I could be the CEO, I could go to Harvard, I could do anything but walk two steps behind a man.  Then as serial entrepreneurs, I watched my parents learn about many different things in order to create and make the most out of business opportunities.  She did an amazing job balancing work and family. Seriously, at one time they were experts in Wisconsin cheeses!  I learned from my mother, there is nothing I can’t do.  

2. You can always and easily make someone feel good. 

When I walked in the door to my parent’s house she would exclaim, “There she is!”  When my father walked in the same door she would exclaim, “There he is!” She would always put on fresh lipstick for us.  At Christmas time, your gift, no matter what it was, was the thing she had been waiting for, wanting, and needing.  And with all the gifts passed around, all the gifts were equally special.  Her smile to you and appreciation for your efforts was consistent, she was always happy to see you and always happy to hear from you.  She taught me that the simple effort of smiling when someone walks in your door, is day-changing for that person.  And no matter what the gift is, someone put their money, time and energy in getting it for you.  No matter what it is, it’s worth great appreciation, which is what you always got when giving to her. 

3. Anger and hurt only hurt you. 

A number of years ago, I got in a really big, unimaginable fight with my brother and sister-in-law.  I was very close with them and this thing that happened between us, as my mom said really “shook my core”.  As I processed through the hurt and anger she listened, she heard every detail, and she cried as I sobbed.   She took her time with me and my pain. She was on my side, in terms of rooting for me to feel better and giving me what I needed.  I don’t doubt she tried that with my brother either. In the end, in one of our last emotional conversations about this long-lasting disagreement, she talked with me how I had to find a way to let go of the hurt and anger and that I was only hurting myself.   It took a lot of work and the birth of my daughter to let it go but in the end, she was right.  Anger and hurt only hurt you.

4. You, too, can be your biggest cheerleader.   

Hands down my mom was my biggest cheerleader.  She was excited for me for everything I did.  Everything was an opportunity that I was going to naturally excel at.  (Really, she cheered you on in such a great manner, I never felt pressure either.)  Missing this part of my mom has been of the hardest.  When I sent her pictures of E’s nursery, she noticed every single detail and asked me about each of them.  Where did I get the pink and white striped shade for the lamp?  Where is the giant bear from?  How did I match the wall mural to the bedding so closely?  She was proud and excited for me and our upcoming arrival! When planning my little girl’s first birthday party this past year, it was mom who would have wanted to hear every detail about how the Birthday Banner coordinated so cutely with the high-chair banner, bibs and other decorations.  I miss my cheerleader but I hear her words and excitement as I continue on.  I, too, can cheer myself on!

5. It’s okay to be different, be yourself and not be perfect. 

I don’t know if it is because she was my mother, but she loved me just the way I am.  She never tried to change me, always embraced me, and was excited to see me, always.  No matter what.  I know I am different than others.  I know I am quirky and there aren’t many like me.  I know I am not perfect nor was she.  But she loved me and I loved her, just the way we were.  

I wish everyone a relationship similar to the one I had with my mother.  We weren’t perfect, we didn’t always see eye to eye.  Heck, we got mad at each other too.  But we mostly enjoyed each other’s company and loved each other very much. These are five things I have been thinking about in the year I have missed my mother.

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I have enjoyed reading all my life.  It’s probably one of those deep seeded recurring events that just seems natural to me.  My library visits with my mom made me a reader.  And then I had kids.  Life became overwhelmingly busy. Full blown mom life into effect. Here's how I find time to enjoy my passion for reading, and balance work and family.

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I’m a mom and I’ll admit it, I read!

I am a reader.  I have vivid memories of going to the library with my mom.  We’d meet this hundred-year-old, white-haired librarian who was excited for the adventure(!) I was going to have with this book!  Oh and that book!  And this one, too!  

I would literally walk out of the library with 15 books in hand.

I have enjoyed reading all my life.  It’s probably one of those deep seeded recurring events that just seems natural to me.  My library visits with my mom made me a reader.  

And then I had kids.  

Oh my goodness.  Nothing prepares you.  Reading becomes something you do in the middle of the night as you rock and feed.  People magazine now has too many words and US Weekly is too floppy.  So, there you have it.  My phone.  I am reading on my phone.  Thank you, Facebook.  

At least I can continue to be the multi-tasker I am always so proud to be.  Rocker.  Feeder.  Reader.  And scroller.  

And when that’s too much, I log onto my beloved Instagram.  (Who needs words to read?!)

Okay, but you see where I am going here.  I love to read, and for a long time reading was scrolling.  But a part me missed the deep stories and getting sucked into the story.  

Reading, for me, is not only taking me into another world filled with courage, love, and emotion, it’s a resting place from my over-active life.  

I get sucked in.  

Will the character have the courage to say the right thing?  

Oh no! It was misinterpreted! 

Hooray for a new day!  For forgiveness!  

For courage!

And I love a good historical fiction because for me, not only am I in the story, but I am being productive, too!  I am learning!

Do you remember White Oleander by Jane Fitch and when that first came out??  Ohhh how I loved it.  I still have the book because the memory of reading it is so fabulous.  

Be still my heart.  

And then of course, I have the memory of my beloved book club.  We actually started out reading the books.  We were young and mostly kidless.  We would pick a book each month and discuss.  We’d have some great conversations and debates, too.  As our friendships grew, the conversations about the book itself dwindled.  We would joke, because hours into our “book club meeting,” we would remember our “purpose” for being there!  So someone would dart their hand up, “Who read the book??”  And perhaps a 5-minute discussion would begin before we got sidetracked back to real-life matters.  But it was the books themselves that brought us together.  It was the books that opened our minds and let our voices be heard.  

So how, oh how, did I bring reading back into my life now that kids and responsibilities have skyrocketed?  I have tried everything. 

Below are 8 Ways I Get in My Golden Time:

1. Actually Sit Down & Read. It’s obvious, I know, but I sneak in times all over the place.  When my kids are in the bath and playing, I sneak into the other room and read a chapter.  When March Madness was on and my husband wanted to watch the games, I sat down and read.  When my kids were building forts in the living room, I snuck a chapter in here and there. 

2. Go to Bed Early.  I find I hate TV now.  I have one favorite show I must watch, but the rest I can take or leave.  If I’ve got a good book, I say goodnight and get in 20 or 30 minutes of reading.  
3. Audible.  I only have a few moments on my own in the car, but I just listened to this wonderful book and as I was going through it, I was looking for every moment I could to listen in.  The book, this book to be precise, just went by too fast!  I hear renting audio books from the library is great, too.
4. Kindle.  I LOVE to read from a real book with actual paper pages.  It’s like I am literally holding the story in my hands.  But reality of the situation is that sometimes my reading time is in the middle of the night when I can’t fall back asleep.  Or I am just dying for my next opportunity to read.  I can’t turn on the light so, yes, I turn on my phone and read from there.  
5. Facebook.  Yes, that counts!  I mentioned that before, I know.  But I actually follow my favorite bloggers (Some favorites are: Julie Cole, Under the Sycamore and Cup of Jo) and other magazines on there.  I read the news.  I get into the story, into the information, and am happy to have connected in this way.  
6. Middle of the Night.  You heard it.  I own it.  My kids are getting older but they still wake me up.  And they have it figured out to wake me at the exact right time.  My body has had enough sleep and I cannot fall back asleep!  It’s still pitch dark so instead of getting up, I let my body rest and read again.  If I get tired again, of course, I go back to sleep!
7. Blinkist.  Oh it’s this new app I am enjoying!  I have all these books I save in my Amazon Prime Wish List and Blinkist is the cliff notes version!  I get the enjoyment of knowing what’s really inside that business book I have to read in 15 or 20 minutes!
8. Tried-and-True. I mentioned how I loved reading White Oleander.  My other true favorite book is this epic story about Fancy.  It’s a Gone With The Wind of the West as I say.  I’ve given this book out dozens of times and just cherish every moment of it.  When I don’t want to risk the time and energy to give to a book that potentially won’t fulfill, I turn back to my tried-and-true.  

You see, there are many ways you can take a break from mom life to be a reader.  Yes, the days where you can sit for hours upon hours may be few and far between.  But chapters here and there will re-energize and re-engage you in this activity you remember. 

Your kids will appreciate you, and your mind will get to wander for a bit!

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How are you balancing work and family? What does balance really mean to you? More importantly, what should it mean to you?

“So find your rhythm, understand what makes you resentful, and protect it. You can’t have everything you want, but you can have the things that really matter to you. And thinking that way empowers you to work really hard for a really long period of time.” ―Marissa Mayer, president and CEO of Yahoo

To me, the word “balance” is a four-letter word. It’s a word that brings up negative thoughts, it’s a “bad” word and if my girls were old enough to understand, I’d likely tell them it’s a word that’s not allowed in my home. 

I cringe every time I hear someone say they are “seeking balance”, “need balance” or when I read about how to “achieve balance”. 

Goodness that one is the worst for me!

Yes, I get it.  Of course but really what we are saying is we need more or different in our lives.  I understand that we are looking for or needing something else and I am certainly not judging.  

I think it’s this linguistic nerd in me that knows they are seeking something real but it’s the word “balance”, I don’t understand or like.  To me trying to achieve balance is like trying to achieve the unachievable.  And here’s why…

When I think of “balance” I think of a seesaw.  In a seesaw, when you have equal weight on both sides the seesaw will then float evenly in the air. 

If you have the exact same weight on both sides and you lift them ever so carefully then you will have a perfect balanced seesaw. 

Hmmmmm… enjoy.  

Because who long will that last??  

How long will it stay afloat?  

A mere second.  A minute, if you’re lucky?

Or how about until someone sneezes or until the wind shifts. 

What if you put two kids who weigh the exact same amount on that seesaw.  What would happen?  Would it float?  

No!  

The kids would go back and forth back and forth back and forth.  Then one kid gets bored, jumps off and runs away.  

So let me ask you this.  

In the first example where the seesaw floated in the air, how was that perfect moment of balance?  

It was short.  

It was quick.  

It was dependent on perfect stillness.  

And it was dependent on which way the wind blew!

So to my point, if it is short, quick, dependent on all sorts of things why on earth would we want to achieve this crazy boring thing called balance?!? 

Why not have fun, go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth for as long as the other kid will play?? 

What if we put “family” on one side of that seesaw and “work” on the other side? When you focus on the family side, all your weight and energy is there and this side of the seesaw, the family side, falls to the ground while the other side, the work side, goes flying up into the air! Balancing work and family, is not a matter of perfection.

Isn’t that more accurate?  Isn’t that how life really happens?  

What happens when you are “all-in” and firmly focused on your family? 

What happens when you are “all-in” and firmly focused on your work?  

Or what if you are just sort of present with both?  Is that when the seesaw would sit evenly and then would you be perfectly balanced??

Do you want to live only half-in? 

No, of course not!

So, I ask again, why on earth would we want to achieve “balance” for ourselves??

Isn’t the goal here, rhythm?  Don’t we want to smoothly go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in the reality of our day?? 

I say forget “balance”, it’s a four-letter word.  I root for “rhythm”.  With rhythm won’t we then simply enjoy the ride?

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